It's too deep. I can't get it out. And so many things are happening now, what's wrong? Honestly, what is wrong? It just keeps on building inside and...even today's service didn't help much. Though initially, I really did want to get it out. But. I don't know. Can't. Although I had two people praying over me.
Today's a bad day. Really. Firstly, mock exam. Shan't talk about that. Leave them all to God, I've done what I can. CCA. Didn't get to do my homework, but that's ok. Pak Miki came, stayed at home for quite some time so I wasn't really able to complete much homework. Then. Traffic jam because the road had to be redone so was kinda late for church. Oh well. It is certainly better than having the road collasping on some people. Church. Hmm. Enjoyed myself pretty much. But during the end...well, nothing much happened. In fact, today's service didn't impact me as much as the previous ones. Why? Simply because today, in fact for some time, I cannot connect to anything because the feelings are so temporary and so short. Not the holy spirit. Not God. Not even the people around me. And that's perhaps why I'm so blunt and short-tempered these day. And I can't even connect with myself. I feel like I'm in a daze, like this is all a dream. And that me being a Christian is not real and will never be real. But I think the scary thing is this. I feel lost. I feel abandoned. I feel very depressed yet I can't do anything about it. And I feel empty. Totally totally empty. And I really tried many things. Being around people, being cheerful, praying, worshipping, writing things down like what I'm doing now. But I seem to be living in a void which seperates me from everything else. It's just so frustrating that I just want to give up because even prayer seems to be made up of cheap words and speaking in tongues don't seem to help sometimes. Do you understand what that feels like? No. I guess most of you won't. Funny. Really. I want people to understand me yet I don't open up to them. Haha.
Well, it's not that I don't want to. But one thing I realize is this: people freak out easily. Some do anyway. So I just don't tell them my problems. The world is my stage, how true can that be? Hmm... Now I wonder how many people would get what I'm trying to say here..
Later, meant to have dinner with Pak Miki but when I got off to the stop, everyone had finished eating and so I was told to go home. Wow. Do they have any idea how upset I am? And yes, this is the first time I came back from church with what my mum said, a long face.
Well. Let me pour out whatever's been bugging me. Firstly, I think many people jump to conclusion. And I have to admit, I do sometimes too. But I try not to and I'm aware of it. But people just had this habit of defending the opposite party without knowing the full story. I'm not saying you can't defend others. You can. But please listen to both sides before you take your defence. There are two sides to a story and by listening to only one side, that's bias. And you know, I'm just too tired to defend for my own rights already when many people just take the side of the quiet party when I raise my voice in anger. So I just walk out and ignore everything else. And here's the biziarre thing. I get upset when people ignore me when I'm angry. Yet, I snap at people when I'm angry. I'm an irritant even to myself.
The other thing is this. I find that people tend to get others to cheer me up. Let me get this straight. It is not sincere. I mean, ok. So your intentions are good. But if you want to cheer me up or something, do it yourself. Don't get other people. I'm not that blind and I'm not that naive or gullible. I see things, it's just that I keep quiet. But today I want to get this straight and right. If you can't cheer me up or am at a loss of words, then nevermind. I can throw tantrums, I can blow up, I can break down, I can create pain. The choice is mine. Until the day I start to get really irrational then perhaps someone can step in to stop me.
I'm suppose to share my testimony in church. Really nervous about it. Because I don't know what to do and say, or do I have to say? Oh well. Sometimes I wonder why is it that some people can just be so happy? Why is it that they do not go through anything extreme? Why are they so loved by many? Because I tried so hard and yet I don't achieve what I wanted. The goals are like so near yet so far and no matter how hard I try, I can't get it. I can't get what I want. And I feel so deprived, like everything's being taken away from me slowly. My life's been a mess and I guess will always be. Living a better life seems impossible for me. I don't know what I'm suppose to do anymore and the thing is I don't want to get help from others. I want to do things myself because I feel such a weakling when others help me. Ok, so the bible did say something along the lines of people without God or something are useless, helpless....and some other things. Perhaps. And so I'm hesitating about being baptized, even my mum didn't want me to be baptized now because she said that I'm not a full Christian yet. Is that true?
During the part where they prayed for all those people, well...I did cry. But it's not because I was set free or something. Yes, something in me stirred. And that stirring caused me to fight with myself and I got confused and scared to the extent that I can't help crying but God suddenly seemed so far from me and so is everyone else. Suddenly, I found no one I could turn to but myself. So I kept quiet and tried to smile around. But the confusion is always there. One small part is saying that I am beautiful and unique and worthy to live and I'm loved by many. Yet another part said that I'm worthless and I'm a burden to people and I don't deserve care and concern because I'm useless. And almost always, that negative thinking dominate my life. And I just can't seem to get out of it. Though at some periods of time, I was really happy and all but majority of it is pessimism. And I try to cheer people up and think optimistically because I wanted to get hope and make my life better than it seems. Sometimes it work. But sometimes, I'm too exhausted to cheer myself up and those were the times when almost nothing matters to me anymore. The ground from the 24th storey seemed so inviting suddenly.
Alright. I think I'm freaking people out already. If I'm wasting your time, then I'm sorry. Go away and leave me alone. I can't stand people who say they understand when they don't because it's just so obvious they don't understand me. Though I shall try to be nice and not hurt people's feelings by yelling.
Perhaps you're wondering what my blog entry title meant. It's after a show I saw today. It was pretty disturbing and rather scary. In the end, all the people except the killer were killed by the killer. What nonsense of a story! Though I hope I don't get a nightmare tonight...
I hope I shall stop self-arguing. Because one day I might just complete my self-destruction.
- #67
"For you alone deserve all glory
For you alone deserve all praise
Father we love you and we worship you this day..."
